I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
