Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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