Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
