I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
