Sponge bath it is.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
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His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
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I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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