I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
