Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
