So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
