So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
