Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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