i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
