So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
