I will die if light touches me.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I need moral support for this bender
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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