i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
