I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
