it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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