Can i not drive my cunt home
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
