apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
