I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
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Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Randomize