Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
