if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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