So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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