he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
