I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
