i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
