The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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