insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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