Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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