i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Girls should come with a carfax report
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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