I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Even my vagina gasped.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
