I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
