pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
