he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
