I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
