Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
