so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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