apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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