did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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