You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
