dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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