He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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