did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
