He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
