saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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