i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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