I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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