yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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