how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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