I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Terrible idea I love it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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