I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We left the knife in your bed.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
