Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
