I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize