Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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