I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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